You can’t stop thinking about them and envisioning how happy your lives could be together. In your eyes, they’re absolutely perfect, everything you’ve ever wanted, and they can do no wrong. They are the standard, and you find yourself daydreaming about them constantly, when you probably should be focusing on work or school.
Crushes are a normal part of life. But this isn’t a typical, harmless crush. This is an all-consuming hyperfixation on someone that impairs your functioning.
This is ADHD limerence.
The difference between a crush and limerence
You may have seen the term limerence popping up on social media and have wondered whether you could be experiencing it.
Isn’t it expected that when you start developing feelings for someone you can’t stop thinking about them?
According to Dorothy Tennov, the psychologist who coined the term limerence in her book “Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love,” limerence extends beyond a crush into obsession. It is an involuntary state of obsessive desire, characterized by intrusive thoughts, fear of rejection, physical symptoms, and an acute need for reciprocation.
The biggest distinction between a crush and limerence is its impact on daily functioning. While there are some overlapping features between the two, including daydreaming about the object of your affections, limerence is a more intense, all-consuming state of hyperfixation that gets in the way of you doing much of anything else. And while wondering whether your crush’s feelings are returned can be torturous, limerence is said to be much more highly distressing because the stakes can feel so much higher; having your feelings returned becomes necessary for your sense of identity. When experiencing limerence, your mood, self-esteem, and sense of well-being can become highly dependent on signs of reciprocation.
Neither limerence nor ADHD limerence are formally diagnosed conditions, but the latter is understood as a common shared experience among people with ADHD that involves an extreme romantic desire that becomes the focus of the admirer’s energy.
If you have ADHD and have felt extreme highs and lows dependent on your limerent object’s (LO’s) perceived attraction towards you, you might be experiencing ADHD limerence.
It’s also important to note that while limerence is most often associated with romantic relationships, people can also experience it in other relational dynamics, including friendships, mentorships, and public figure idolization, according to Healthline. This phenomenon plays out similar to limerence towards a romantic connection in that the person is seeking positive reception and validation from their LO.
Why you may be more prone to limerence as a person with ADHD
While ADHD is a complex neurodevelopmental condition that affects people differently, you may be at greater risk of experiencing ADHD limerence due to your tendency to hyperfocus and difficulty regulating attention, per the Cleveland Clinic.
This hyperfocus can make you more likely to focus intensely on specific tasks — which is great when it comes to checking things off your to-do list, but becomes painful when the focus is on proving your worth and trying to convince someone else to return your attention.
Additionally, impulsivity related to ADHD and challenges with emotional regulation may make you more likely to attach to someone quickly and can escalate your investment in a potential relationship.
“It feels impossible to concentrate on anything else,” one client shared about experiencing limerence. “It’s exhausting.”
People with ADHD may also be more likely to experience limerence because dopamine is released when they come into contact with their LO. For people with ADHD, who already have lower baseline dopamine levels and dysregulated reward systems, this dopamine hit from romantic attention can be especially powerful and rewarding to their brain.
Though there’s no standardized list of symptoms that exists for ADHD limerence, some common signs include:
- — a deep, overwhelming desire for a person’s attention and affection
- — pushing your own needs aside
- — significantly reduced executive functioning
- — idolization of the other person
- — feelings of low-self worth if attention goes unmatched
- — a cycle of intense mood swings, from euphoria to despair
- — obsessive-compulsive behaviors like checking their social media pages and re-reading texts
- — intrusive thoughts and daydreams about the other person
- — physical symptoms, including nausea, lack of sleep, and heart palpitations
How ADHD therapy can help with limerence
If you’re unsure of whether you’re experiencing a crush or ADHD limerence, first check in with yourself. Does this feel good most of the time or do you find yourself in these continuous cycles of feeling fulfilled and happy when you have a “good” interaction with the other person and desperate and rejected when you perceive your feelings are unmatched? Are you able to continue living your life, with an appropriate amount of excitement about seeing them, or are you spending every waking moment thinking about them and what the future holds? Can you see this other person clearly and are your feelings for them based on what you actually know about them, or do you place them on a pedestal while considering yourself to be completely below them?
ADHD limerence can be incredibly painful and healing from it requires vulnerability and courage, but as an ADHD-focused therapist, I’m here to help you confront this head-on. Together we’ll move past these debilitating obsessive fantasies and empower you to step into your real life.
One thing we’ll work on identifying the unhelpful thoughts and patterns that keep you feeling beholden to this other person. Using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques, which have been shown to help manage symptoms of limerence, we’ll address idealization, all-or-nothing thinking, catastrophizing, mind-reading, and other thought distortions that have you believing your worth as a human being is dependent on this other person returning your feelings. We’ll also use techniques from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and behavioral activation to help you cultivate a meaningful, values-driven life that brings you fulfillment, regardless of the outcome of this romantic relationship.
When you’re deep in limerence, it can feel like everything is dependent on this one situation working out. And when it doesn’t, you might find yourself questioning whether you’re capable and worthy of healthy, reciprocal relationships.
The answer is unequivocally yes.
ADHD limerence is a sign your brain is working overtime in pursuit of connection and dopamine, but you don’t have to stay stuck in these cycles of obsession and despair. With the right therapeutic support focused on attachment, emotional regulation, and executive functioning, you can learn to channel that intensity in healthier directions and build the reciprocal, loving relationships you deserve: starting with the one you have with yourself.
Get Help at The ATTN Center
Our team knows that you may experience more than one mental health concern as a result of ADHD symptoms. This is why we are happy to also offer ADHD-focused therapy for anxiety, depression, and couples. We also provide services including neurofeedback, group therapy, and ADHD testing options. At the ATTN Center of NYC, we do everything in our power to treat ADHD without the use of medication, but we understand in some severe cases additional measures may be needed. As a result, we also maintain close relationships with many of NYC’s best psychiatrists. Feel free to visit our articles page for more helpful information today!
About the Author
Gwen is a writer and therapy intern who assists clients in rewriting their life stories and breaking out of limiting thought patterns. Outside of work, she’s an avid runner, proud caretaker to her labradoodle, Paloma, and a fried chicken sandwich fiend.